How to handle toddler tantrums: why they happen and what to do before, during and after
TUREFF• •0
Almost every toddler has tantrums. They tend to start somewhere around 18 months, are at their most frequent in the "terrible twos", and usually become much less common by about the age of four. Knowing that does not make the supermarket floor any less embarrassing, but it does mean a tantrum is rarely a sign that something has gone wrong with your child or your parenting.
Why tantrums happen
A toddler wants a great deal and can say very little. They have strong feelings, a growing sense that they are a separate person with opinions, and almost none of the brain development that lets an adult pause before reacting. When the gap between what they want and what they can do or say gets too wide, it comes out as screaming, flopping, kicking or hitting.
Some situations make a tantrum far more likely:
- being tired, hungry or unwell
- transitions, such as leaving the park or switching off the television
- too much going on: noise, crowds, a busy day
- being told no to something they badly want, with no other outlet
- wanting to do something themselves and not managing it
Prevention: the boring part that works best
- Keep a predictable routine. Regular meals, naps and bedtime remove a lot of the fuel. If the day has to change, a snack in your bag and a nap planned around the trip go a long way.
- Give warnings before transitions. "Two more goes on the slide, then we're going home" is easier to accept than being lifted off mid-climb. A timer can be the bad guy instead of you.
- Offer small choices. "Red cup or blue cup?" "Do you want to walk or be carried to the car?" Real choices between two options you are happy with give a toddler some control without giving away the decision.
- Say what to do, not only what not to do. "Feet on the floor" works better than "stop climbing".
- Notice the good moments. Specific praise ("you waited so nicely for your turn") is more motivating to a toddler than you might expect.
- Choose your battles. If it is safe and does not matter, let them wear the mismatched socks.
During a tantrum
- Keep them safe first. Move them, or things around them, if they could get hurt.
- Stay calm yourself. Your calm is what helps them settle. Breathe slowly, lower your voice, crouch to their level if that helps.
- Say less. A child mid-tantrum cannot process reasoning or a lecture. A few words naming the feeling ("You're really cross that we have to go") is plenty.
- Do not give in to the demand. If the tantrum wins the biscuit, the lesson is that tantrums work. You can be kind and still hold the line.
- Decide whether to stay close or step back. Some children calm with a cuddle; others get more wound up by attention. If yours is safe and your presence is making it worse, it is fine to wait nearby without engaging.
- In public, move somewhere quieter if you can. Other people's looks matter far less than they feel in the moment; most of them have been there.
After a tantrum
- Reconnect. A hug, a quiet moment or simply carrying on with the day tells your child the relationship is fine.
- Keep it short. No long explanation of what went wrong. If they are a bit older, a simple "next time you can say 'I'm cross' or stamp your feet" gives them another option.
- Look for the pattern. Did it happen before lunch again? At pick-up time? Tantrums often cluster around the same triggers, and adjusting the routine can prevent the next one.
- Look after yourself. Repeated tantrums are draining. Taking turns with another adult, or a few minutes to yourself, is not a luxury.
When to ask a health visitor, GP or paediatrician
Tantrums are a normal phase, but it is worth getting advice if:
- they are very frequent or very intense, or seem to be getting worse rather than better as your child gets older
- your child regularly hurts themselves, others, or breaks things
- they hold their breath until they faint, or you are worried about any physical symptom
- tantrums continue well past the age of four or five
- there are other concerns, such as speech delay, sleep problems or low mood between tantrums
- you are struggling to cope or feel you might lose your temper
In the UK that usually means your health visitor or GP; elsewhere, your child's paediatrician or family doctor. Asking does not mean you have failed; it is exactly what these services are there for.
What worked for your toddler, and what made it worse? Share your experience or ask a question in the comments.