How to argue fairly with your partner (and when an argument is something else)

TUREFF• •0

Every couple argues. Disagreement is not a sign of a bad relationship; what matters is how you argue and whether you come out the other side still on the same team. These habits keep a disagreement about the actual problem rather than turning it into a fight about who you both are.

Pick the moment

Not when you are hungry, exhausted, drunk or about to leave the house. A conversation that starts at 11pm after a long day is half lost already.
Ask first if it can wait. "Something's been bothering me about the holiday plans. Can we talk about it after dinner?" gives your partner a chance to arrive ready rather than ambushed.
Do not save it up. Letting small things pile up for weeks means the eventual argument carries all of them at once.

Start gently

Research by the psychologist John Gottman and colleagues found that how a conflict conversation starts is a strong predictor of how it ends. A harsh opening, full of blame or sarcasm, usually leads somewhere bad. Use "I" statements that describe the situation and your feelings rather than your partner's character:

Instead of "You never help around the house", try "I feel overwhelmed when I'm doing the washing up on my own every night. Can we work out a split?"
Instead of "You don't care about my friends", try "I was disappointed when you left the party early. I'd really wanted you there."

The formula is roughly: what happened, how you felt, what you would like.

One issue at a time

Stick to the thing you came to talk about. "And another thing" and "you always" turn a solvable problem into a referendum on the whole relationship. If something else comes up, agree to talk about it separately.

Listen back before you reply

When your partner has made their point, say back what you heard before giving your side: "So you're saying you feel I make plans without checking with you first?" It feels slow, but it does two things. It shows they have been heard, which often lowers the temperature straight away, and it catches misunderstandings before you argue against something they did not say. You do not have to agree with their view to acknowledge it.

Things that reliably make it worse

Criticism of character ("you're so selfish") rather than complaints about behaviour
Contempt: eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling. Gottman's research singled this out as especially corrosive.
Defensiveness: answering every point with a counter-accusation
Stonewalling: going silent and shutting down

Take a break when you need one

If your heart is racing and you can no longer think straight, you are unlikely to say anything useful. It is fine to pause, as long as you say so and come back: "I'm getting too worked up to talk well. Can we take a break and pick this up in half an hour?" Use the break to calm down, not to rehearse your best comeback. Many counsellors suggest at least twenty minutes, doing something soothing. Then actually return to the conversation; a break that never ends is just avoidance.

Repair attempts

A repair attempt is anything that stops an argument escalating: a joke, a touch on the arm, "OK, I'm getting defensive", "Can we start again?", "You're right about that part." Making them matters, and so does accepting them when your partner offers one. Couples who manage conflict well are not those who never fight, but those who repair quickly. Apologise for your part specifically ("I'm sorry I raised my voice") rather than with a vague "sorry you feel that way".

When to see a couples counsellor

You keep having the same argument with no progress.
Arguments regularly turn nasty or one of you has stopped engaging.
A big event, such as an affair, a new baby, illness or a move, has shaken things.
You want to stay together but do not know how to fix it.

Going earlier rather than later tends to work better. Many counsellors offer online sessions, and some employers' assistance programmes cover a few sessions.

When it is not an argument at all

Fair-fighting advice assumes two people on roughly equal footing. It does not apply to abuse. Warning signs include:

being afraid of your partner's reaction, or changing your behaviour to avoid it
threats, intimidation, or physical violence of any kind
being cut off from friends and family, or having your phone and movements monitored
controlling your money or access to it
constant put-downs, or being made to feel you are imagining things
pressure or force around sex

If any of this sounds familiar, couples counselling is generally not recommended, because it can put the person being abused at more risk. Instead, contact a domestic abuse helpline in your country, which can talk things through confidentially. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. What has helped the two of you argue better? Share it, or ask a question, in the comments.